


Many Happy Returns (No Exchanges or Refunds)

by boasamishipper



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Birthday, Birthday Presents, Canon-typical shenanigans, Crack, Episode Style, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Vampires, Yuletide 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:54:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28126461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boasamishipper/pseuds/boasamishipper
Summary: “...Isn’t June 6th Colin Robinson’s birthday?” Guillermo says.Everything comes to a screeching halt. The camera pans from face to face.“Fuck,”Nadja says empathetically.
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 20
Kudos: 44
Collections: Yuletide 2020





	Many Happy Returns (No Exchanges or Refunds)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [merryghoul](https://archiveofourown.org/users/merryghoul/gifts).



“So we have all received a letter,” Nandor says to the camera. He laces his hands together. “It is a letter we were all expecting for some time now. I will now open the envelope and share what is inside with you.” He pauses, glances to the left. “Guillermo, open the envelope and share what is inside with us.”

“Yes Master,” Guillermo says, taking out a piece of paper from the envelope, and begins to unfold it.

“Wait a fucking moment,” Laszlo says. The camera cuts to him, sitting next to Nadja on the couch. “You’ve already opened the letter without us?”

“No, we are opening the letter for the first time now, for dramatic effect,” Nandor says. “With…a dramatic pause.”

“No you bloody aren’t. The seal of the envelope was already torn before Gizmo got his hands on it again just now.” The camera zooms in on the letter in Guillermo’s hands, and then higher, onto Guillermo’s expression. “He popped the envelope’s cherry, my love.”

“I could put the letter in another envelope,” Guillermo says, “and then open it again, for dramatic effect…”

“No, the whole thing is ruined now.” Nadja folds her arms over her chest. “Now the dramatic letter is just a normal letter with a fucked envelope.”

“Look,  _ I  _ will read it,” Nandor says, taking the letter from Guillermo. Guillermo takes a step back. “And make the  _ reading  _ of the letter dramatic because the  _ opening  _ of the envelope is no longer dramatic, thanks to Guillermo—”

“You made me open the envelope when we got it, Master,” Guillermo says, but Laszlo and Nadja are already agreeing and telling Nandor to just get on with it. The camera swivels to Nandor, who clears his throat importantly.

“So today,” he says. “We have received an invitation. To the big event of the year.”

Nadja and Laszlo exchange interested looks. 

Nandor waves the letter around like a treasure map. “Looks very old, and authentic,” he says, coaxingly. Laszlo and Nadja nod.  _ “Very dramatic. _ Here we go. ‘Dearly departed’ — that’s us — ‘you have been invited to the All-American Turbo Mega Unholy Masquerade!’”

* * *

“The All-American Turbo Mega Unholy Masquerade,” Laszlo says to the camera, “is the biggest party for the undead community...in the greater New York and Staten Island area.”

“Anyone undead who’s anyone undead is invited,” Nadja says. “I am of course referring to vampires, werewolves, witches, wizards, ghouls, ghosts, zombies — maybe even the Revenant, once he is done haunting Leonardo diCaprio. He got so full of himself after that movie.”

* * *

“The All-American Turbo Mega Unholy Masquerade is held once every twenty-five years,” Nandor says excitedly to the camera. “There is a costume contest, a prize raffle, fireworks, music, creepy paper.”

“...it’s crepe paper, Master.”

_ “Creepy paper.  _ And  _ lots  _ of excellent food and alcohol, which the virgins will eat, and  _ that  _ will make them all taste  _ delicious.  _ I will need a lot of the glitter to win this contest.” He leans forward. “I will be the best Edward Cullen they have ever seen.”

* * *

“Where will it be this year?”

“In the deepest pits of Hell,” Nandor says proudly. Guillermo mouths  _ Hell’s Kitchen  _ to the camera. “On June the 6th, starting at six minutes to sundown. Oh, how exciting, six-six-six.”

“How very  _ unholy,”  _ Laszlo intones, and Nadja gives a delighted shriek, leaning against Laszlo’s shoulder. 

“...Isn’t June 6th Colin Robinson’s birthday?” Guillermo says.

Everything comes to a screeching halt. The camera pans from face to face.

_ “Fuck,”  _ Nadja says empathetically.

* * *

“Colin Robinson is  _ unbearable  _ on his birthday,” Laszlo complains. “He wants to be the center of attention all the time, and it’s always,” he swoops a hand, “talk talk talk, blah blah blah. Last year, he invited all his co-workers over and made us watch while he drained them. You could practically see his willy poking through his trousers by the time he was done.”

* * *

“In my village, birthdays were very important,” Nadja says. “We would build a large fire to keep the snakes away, and sit in a circle and sing and eat. And the person celebrating the birthday would entertain us, and if we were not entertained, they would be chased out of town by our donkeys.” Nadja stops, looks thoughtful. “I wonder if there are any donkeys on Staten Island.”

* * *

“Colin Robinson will  _ ruin  _ the All-American Turbo Mega Unholy Masquerade,” Nandor bemoans. “He will want to talk to  _ everyone,  _ and bore them to death. And then it will just be the All-Colin Robinson, Not-Turbo Not-Mega and not at  _ all  _ Unholy Masquerade.”

“We  _ cannot  _ invite him,” Laszlo says. “But we cannot  _ not  _ invite him either. Remember in 1997 when we tried to say we had other plans? He drained our energy through  _ guilting  _ us. It ruined our appetites for weeks, and worst of all, it ruined  _ my  _ appetite for sexual intercourse.”

Nadja pouts. “We had to return those electric sex pants.”

“What if,” Nandor says, “we give him birthday presents, and then he will be happy enough — actually, I do not know if he can really be happy —  _ distracted  _ enough for us to leave and have fun without him.”

“Or,” Laszlo muses, “we can distract him with the  _ distraction  _ of presents.”

“A wild goose chase,” Guillermo offers. Nadja looks particularly thoughtful.

“How many wild geese would we need for such a chase?”

Guillermo opens his mouth to explain that it had just been an expression, but then Nandor and Laszlo and Nadja are off, discussing the divisions of labor of capturing wild geese, and he just stares into the camera with a shrug. He’ll figure out a way out of this. He always does.

* * *

“So it is my birthday today,” Colin Robinson says to the camera. He is at work, in a dark sweater, brown slacks, brown shoes with brown shoelaces, and a green tie (just to bring out the green flecks in his eyes). A bright purple glittery birthday hat has been lopsidedly affixed to his head. People have been commenting on it all morning — because he hasn’t stopped mentioning it. “Another trip around the sun. Birthdays are the best day to drain everyone; the food comes right to you.”

Two people stroll past the camera, talking to each other.

“Hey!” Colin Robinson waits until they turn around, and gives them a smile. “It’s my birthday.”

“Happy birthday,” one of them says awkwardly. The other one mumbles something about just looking for the bathroom.

“It’s my over the hill. My happiest return. I am the jolly good fellow, which nobody can deny. Hey, we’re having cake in the break room later. Vanilla frosting, vanilla cream, chocolate on the inside, of course, I’m not an animal. I like chocolate frosting too, chocolate frosting is great. Hey, if you get there early, I’ll try to save you an end piece. Oh, and you can pick which version of the birthday song to sing. You know there’s hundreds of different variations of the tune in American English alone…”

The two of them are fading before his (glowing red) eyes.

Colin Robinson turns back to the camera, winks, and continues speaking.

* * *

“Bad news,” Laszlo says to the camera, covered in feathers. Geese are squawking around him as they fly past the river, under the bridge. Nadja stands under a parasol as the sun is high. He hefts a crossbow high. “These _fucking_ geese won’t hold still. _Foie gras_ ** _this,_** _you bloody bastards!”_

* * *

“Bad news,” Nadja says, ten minutes later. Laszlo sits beside her on the couch, pouting, soaking wet. “Neither of us were able to secure the geese we needed for the wild goose chase, so we…” She sighs, long and heavy. “We have to get him  _ actual gifts.” _

* * *

“I talked my co-workers into taking me out for happy hour,” Colin Robinson says to the camera. He’s in a bar, still wearing the birthday hat. The camera pans to the right and zooms in on the people passed out at the table. Their glasses are all full. Colin Robinson grins. “Only rule: have a good time. Violators will be shaken, not stirred.”

* * *

“Siri, what does one get as a present for Colin Robinson?” Nandor says to Guillermo’s phone. Siri says something indistinct. “Guillermo, the Siri is not listening to me.”

* * *

Close-up of the landline. The answering machine beeps twice. 

_ “Hey roomies, it’s me, Colin Robinson,”  _ the answering machine boasts. In the distance, Laszlo swears.  _ “Just letting you know again, I will be home at sundown, and we will party together all night long. Unless you had other plans, which is fine. You can just give me your presents and go — unless you didn’t get me any. Which is fine, even though I always give you gifts because I value your friendship immensely and—” _

“Make it  _ stop,”  _ Nadja moans. Laszlo lies prone on the floor, his arm over his eyes.

* * *

By the time Colin Robinson’s Uber drops him off at the Vampire Residence — before it proceeds to idle at the curb for fifteen minutes, the driver passed out at the wheel — it’s exactly eight o’clock. The rest of the roommates stand awkwardly in the foyer, dressed in their best. Laszlo throws a handful of confetti into the air, and Nandor blows a party horn halfheartedly.

“Happy birthday Colin Robinson,” Nandor says, and Laszlo and Nadja quickly echo the same. They all finish at different times.

“You guys remembered,” Colin Robinson says, and smiles. “That’s so great. You know, I think I have more party hats in my room so we can match—”

“No,” Nandor says sharply, then smiles too. “That...that is not necessary, Colin Robinson. Behold.” He swoops his arm showily, almost hitting Laszlo. “We have gifts for you! Documentary crew, you go first.”

_ “Uh, we already gave him a card this morning.” _

_ “We pitched in for a Starbucks gift card.” _

_ “Yeah, happy birthday, man.” _

“Colin Robinson, my good man,” Laszlo says, after a moment’s pause. “On the most important day of your birth — a day on which nothing else important to me is occurring — I present you with...this.” With a dramatic flourish, he gives Colin Robinson a gift bag.

“...it’s a sweater,” Colin Robinson says. “I-I think this is  _ my  _ sweater, actually.”

“I don’t actually think it’s your sweater — it  _ is  _ a sweater that  _ you  _ would wear, which is why I gifted it to you—”

“Look, it’s got the coffee stain on the sleeve from yesterday…”

Colin Robinson holds the sweater up higher; the camera zooms in on the coffee stain on the left sleeve.

Another camera zooms in on Guillermo, who’s standing stiffly beside Nandor. He looks seconds away from facepalming.

“Anyway!” Nandor says brightly, as Laszlo steps back and Nadja whispers  _ Nice try darling.  _ “The next gift is from Nadja.”

Nadja comes forward with a gift basket wrapped in red crepe paper. “Colin Robinson,” she says. “Here you go. A gift basket filled with items I selected myself.”

* * *

“I robbed an Office Depot,” Nadja says to the camera, smirking with pride. She pronounces it like De-pot. “There wasn’t even a pot in there.”

* * *

“Stapler, scissors…” Colin Robinson picks through the gift basket. It almost entirely conceals his face. “Rubber bands. Printer ink. Flashdrive. Card stock paper. This is what you got me for my birthday, Nadja?”

A long pause. Nadja tries for a smile.

“You...really know me well, Nadja.” Colin Robinson goes in for the hug, smiling, and Nadja waves him off quickly. Colin Robinson does not seem to mind.

“That is not necessary, Colin Robinson.”

“And now I,” Nandor says, “Nandor the Relentless, will give you a gift, Colin Robinson.”

* * *

“In my day,” Nandor says, standing outside, “for birthdays, you would receive a horse, and you would take that horse into battle for the very first time. And you would bond with the horse, through the bloodshed of battle and pillaging. Blood brothers. Lots of blood.” He stands there for a while, lost in thought. “Anyway! For you, Colin Robinson, I give you on your very important birthday…”

The camera pans quickly to the left, landing on the horse that is chained to the tree outside Laszlo’s topiary garden.

* * *

“I’ve never ridden a horse before,” Colin Robinson says. The horse is trotting along the main street outside the Vampire Residence. Colin Robinson wears a helmet, and the birthday hat is strapped on top of the helmet. “They don’t usually like me. Nandor said Colin Robinson Jr. and I should go for a ride around town until we’ve sufficiently bonded with each other.” 

The horse whinnies and takes off at a gallop. One of the cameramen makes a note to bleep out its subtitles.

* * *

“Alright,” Laszlo says, triumphant. “Colin Robinson’s got presents, he’s distracted by that horse, now let’s go and party like it’s nineteen ninety-nine. Which it isn’t, but we will party like it is anyway.”

Nadja and Nandor cheer and high-five each other. 

The camera swings over to the door just as it opens from the other side, revealing Colin Robinson. He is still wearing his helmet. The birthday hat is askew.

Guillermo ducks out of the room.

“Colin Robinson,” Nandor says nervously, “what are you doing back so soon?”

“Oh, I think the horse and I sufficiently bonded enough for one day,” Colin Robinson says. “I kept talking, it went faster, and by the time we did a full circle around the block, it went back over to the tree and passed out.”

(“Never again,” the horse outside whinnies, before going back to sleep.)

“Poor thing’s all tuckered out.  _ Which,”  _ he claps his hands together, “gives us roomies more time to celebrate together. I’ve been meaning to watch Ken Burns’s Vietnam for...at least ten years now.”

“Colin Robinson,” Nadja says, awkward. Laszlo turns away completely. “Uh, you see, the thing is…”

“What? What is it?”

“The thing is, Colin Robinson, we, uh...yes, well, Nandor can tell you.”

The camera swivels over to and zooms in on Nandor. “The thing is,” he begins dramatically, then his voice peters out. “The thing is, as Nadja said, Colin Robinson, we...that is to say Laszlo Cravensworth, Nadja and I, Nandor the Relentless…we, uh—”

“Still have one more gift for you,” Guillermo says, appearing once again by Nandor’s side. “They’ve just arrived, Master.”

Everyone blinks.

“Not that I don’t know what you are talking about, Guillermo,” Nandor says slowly. “Which I definitely do. Completely get it. But...what are you talking about, Guillermo?”

* * *

“So, we came here because there’s apparently a ‘small town card trick master’ that ‘everybody needed to see’ on tonight’s news,” says Stacy McCloskey, from ABC7 NY. Her camera crew is gossiping behind her. “And we’re all about, you know, local talent in the community, so this was a no-brainer.” She shrugs. “And the dancing penguin that was supposed to go on the news instead broke its flipper. So here we are.”

* * *

Colin Robinson holds up the seven of hearts. “Is this your card?” 

A muffled no comes from the newscaster.

“Hmm. Well now.” Colin Robinson bites his lip. “That sure is silly of me, getting that trick wrong. You know, it’s one of the easiest tricks in the book. I learned it myself back when I was a kid, but I was never good at it. Can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Or make a leopard grow new stripes. Oh, wait, it’s the tiger that has the stripes. I always mix it up.” He holds up the next card in the deck. It’s an eight of clubs. “Is this your card?”

Another muffled no.

The documentary camera pans to the rest of the news crew, including the cameraman, the first sound guy, and the newscaster herself. All of them look like they barely have the energy to stand upright.

Colin Robinson’s eyes gleam red.

* * *

“When I first started working here, Colin Robinson started putting videos on YouTube, where he’d try to teach people card tricks, and drain their energy that way,” Guillermo says. “I figured he would be pretty distracted by draining thousands of people, and you could go to your party. And I’ll get the crew back to...where they need to be.”

Colin Robinson turns, gives the other vampires a thumbs up. They all give him a shell-shocked wave back. One of the sound guys has fallen asleep on the horse.

Nandor breaks the silence at last. The camera zooms in on him. “Guillermo,” he says.  _ “Fucking guy.” _

* * *

“I’m glad I was able to help everybody,” Guillermo says to the camera. Behind him, Colin Robinson is still asking the ABC7 crew if he has the right card. He wraps his hands around the straps of his backpack, slung on his back. “Truth be told, I needed the night off. The Mosquito Collectors invited me to D&D tonight.” He grins brightly. “Time for Armand the Paladin to kick some orc ass.”

**Author's Note:**

> Colin Robinson's card tricks are directly inspired by Mark Proksch's breakout role as K-Strass the Yo-Yo Master. [ Has to be seen to be believed. ](https://deadspin.com/fake-yo-yo-trickster-fools-every-tv-station-everywhere-5535220)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this story!


End file.
